Functionally Dysfunctional

“Your autonomic testing was pretty bad. I don’t understand how you’re so functional.”

These words were spoken to me by my dysautonomia specialist this week. And they were so validating.

Not because I want to have a dysfunctional autonomic system. Believe me, having a “normal” body is what I want most in this world right now. But because I put in so much work to stay this functional. And I couldn’t do it without this wonderful doctor, who truly sees me, understands my suffering, and actively

helps me find solutions.


But then he pointed out to me, “you must be pushing past your limits.”
And that was equally true and validating.

People see me push past my limits when I climb mountains, or hang on an aerial hoop, or go to work straight off an international flight spent vomiting from food poisoning.

But people don’t see that I constantly exist on the edge of a crash. I pull myself out of bed and drive to work each morning, taking handfuls of prescribed medications chased by copious amounts of coffee. I wear my neck brace until I walk into work, and I put it back on the minute I return to my car. I breathe through the dizziness and catch patients regardless of how the sudden movements throw ribs, knees, shoulders, and my neck out of place. I fight off my headaches even as I spend time consoling screaming infants. I walk miles in the heat barely holding my eyes open to spend extra time with the people I love and who love me back.

I constantly push past my limits, and it may not be the most healthy thing for me. But it is all I know. I’ve lived in this body my whole life, and while my health certainly took a downturn the last few years, I’ve always pushed.

I don’t like limits.

But if I am going to continue to be functional at all, it is time I start to let my body be my guide, and accept that my limits exist and are here to protect me.

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