Actually, I Can

This week, Shutterfly offered a free mug to its customers. As a frequent customer (my memory is so bad that "pics or it didn't happen" is true to my life) and a former graduate student, I like to jump on all freebies. As I scrolled through the mug choices, I saw one with the large words "Actually, I can." It got me thinking.

I am blessed to have people in my life who are so supportive and understanding of my good days and bad days alike. But I often hear the people who love me most caution me not to do things, for fear that I will get injured. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" is a phrase that most people associate with drunken mistakes, but for me it can apply to anything from stating I want to take an adult gymnastics class to wearing high heels out to a movie (gotta walk into the theater, after all) to opening a tight jar by myself. And often, the fears and cautions of my loved ones echo my own thoughts.

Is it safe for me to wear those adorable but not so supportive shoes? Can I successfully carry these groceries inside without subluxing a finger or spraining a wrist? Should I stretch my painful shoulder out, or will that only cause my muscles to rebound to more tightness? Does the benefit of wearing this knee or wrist splint today outweigh the struggle of answering everyone's questions? Is it a bad idea to try this new workout class? Am I in too much pain today to go to my familiar workout class? Should I try to pour this pot of pasta into the strainer, or will that hurt too much? How about cutting this melon? Is my ankle actually injured, or do I just think it's hurting because I know I rolled it a little yesterday? Is it weird for me to lay on the floor in the middle of my work office to stretch out my back a little? If my shoulder subluxed in my sleep last night, is it about to happen again tonight? If it does, can I even go to aerial tomorrow? Will the next patient I treat today set my back pain over the edge?

Can I be who I want to be, and achieve the things I want to achieve in life?

Actually, I can.

I may need physical help on some days, and I may be completely independent on others. I may just need a hug and encouragement on other days. But I have always been excited to try new things and accomplish old things, and I do not intend to let my body's limitations change that part of me.

Also, this post inspired me to finally hit "Order" and get my mug, despite still having to pay for shipping on the freebies. Because actually, I can.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Revival - Concussion, not-Hernia, and CSF Leaks

Since I last wrote a blog post, the world feels as though it has gone into a total meltdown. COVID-19 continues to rage around the globe, even as the first batch of vaccines is rolled out to healthcare workers on the front lines. Party tensions run high in the US government and trickle down to the public daily. Global climate change brought another year of extreme storms and draughts across the world. And inequality continues to rage through even the reportedly "civilized" corners of the world. Meanwhile, I have gone into a physical meltdown. Family and my therapist maintain that I have not been the same since I sustained a concussion at work in November 2019. This was my third concussion, and I was out of work recovering for 6 months. I finally returned to work in May 2020 during the chaos of a global pandemic and spent 1 month treating through telehealth followed by another 3 months treating a full caseload primarily in person wearing full personal protective equipment.  Th...
Read more

Grounding myself

I am terrified that I won’t fly again. There. I said it. My neck has been getting worse, as have my headaches, random dizzy spells, and sensations of pressure in my head. I have never had an upright MRI, so I do not know what exactly is going on in my head and neck region. But while I search for a neurologist or neurosurgeon to help me out right now, I DO know that I do not feel safe during sudden movements or certain changes in position. Hitting a pothole while driving can be agony. Tripping over a sidewalk crack while walking can give me a 3-day-long headache increase. Bending down to the bottom shelf of the fridge can send me almost to the floor. So how can I even dream of climbing 20 feet up to the top of silks, hanging upside down while setting up a move, then letting go and completing a drop? And yet I do. I dream. Awake, I dream of aerial. Asleep, my nightmares reflect the stress and fear that my neck may be as bad as it feels. But awake, with my eyes cl...
Read more

Functionally Dysfunctional

Image
“Yo ur autonomic testing was pretty bad. I don’t understand how you’re so functional.” These words were spoken to me by my dysautonomia specialist this week. And they were so validating. Not because I want to have a dysfunctional autonomic system. Believe me, having a “normal” body is what I want most in this world right now. But because I put in so much work to stay this functional. And I couldn’t do it without this wonderful doctor, who truly sees me, understands my suffering, and actively helps me find solutions. But then he pointed out to me, “you must be pushing past your limits.” And that was equally true and validating. People see me push past my limits when I climb mountains, or hang on an aerial hoop, or go to work straight off an international flight spent vomiting from food poisoning. But people don’t see that I constantly exist on the edge of a crash. I pull myself out of bed and drive to work each morning, taking handfuls of prescribed medicatio...
Read more