The Wall
My momentum was building. I was on a roll. I went to 3 aerial classes and a barre class over the course of 2 weeks. I felt my average pains and some added, disproportionate, 2-day-long fatigue after each workout. But I was ready to push through. I was ready to get strong again. I decided to cut added/processed sugar out of my diet to reduce inflammation and counter the weight gain from my inconsistent physical activity. I was doing the right things for my body. I was swinging into health.
And then I swung right into a wall. Not a real one (though I do often bump into walls...). A flare-up one. I felt my back pain starting to enter flare mode by my second patient on Monday. I went and got a massage after work on Tuesday in hopes of staving off the flare-up, but it wound up being a bad massage and sent me teetering over the wall into the darkness of a flare-up. And now I'm here. And I'm frustrated.
I was already struggling during aerial, feeling that I was too deconditioned. My internal doubts and physical struggles reached a point that I have been considering returning to the beginners aerial class to review skills and build up my endurance again. But how can I build my strength and endurance enough to succeed with the level of skills that I am "up to" if every few weeks I fall back into a flare-up and even my morning commute to work, involving standing waiting for a bus, often standing on the bus, then walking 20 minutes, becomes a struggle? When making it through the day of work requires 6-8 braces, and I still feel excruciating pain building as the day goes on? When I get home and can barely use my hands to cut vegetables, let alone to support my entire body weight on silks?
My body is reaching the point that I know it is telling me to change something. I know that the 40 hours per week of physically strenuous one-on-one patient care is not good for me. And yet, I am not in an emotional (or financial) place to change it. I love my job, despite the pain and physical and emotional stress. My boss is wonderful, my coworkers are a pleasure to be around, and the children I treat are amazing and adorable and inspirational and keep me going.
Still, I am frustrated. I am annoyed. I am angry at my body. Being optimistic has its down sides. It means I sometimes set my expectations higher than what my body can take. But to lose my optimism, lose my drive, give up on my goals and hopes and efforts, would be devastating both emotionally and, in turn, physically.
I just feel stuck. At this point, I am sticking with the diet containing no added/processed sugars. But I don't even trust my body to respond appropriately by reducing inflammation and losing weight. I don't trust my body to allow me to exercise in ways that will improve my strength and endurance. I don't trust my brain to maintain balanced emotions without enough exercise. And so, I am sitting on top of my wall, unsure of which side to go down.
And then I swung right into a wall. Not a real one (though I do often bump into walls...). A flare-up one. I felt my back pain starting to enter flare mode by my second patient on Monday. I went and got a massage after work on Tuesday in hopes of staving off the flare-up, but it wound up being a bad massage and sent me teetering over the wall into the darkness of a flare-up. And now I'm here. And I'm frustrated.
I was already struggling during aerial, feeling that I was too deconditioned. My internal doubts and physical struggles reached a point that I have been considering returning to the beginners aerial class to review skills and build up my endurance again. But how can I build my strength and endurance enough to succeed with the level of skills that I am "up to" if every few weeks I fall back into a flare-up and even my morning commute to work, involving standing waiting for a bus, often standing on the bus, then walking 20 minutes, becomes a struggle? When making it through the day of work requires 6-8 braces, and I still feel excruciating pain building as the day goes on? When I get home and can barely use my hands to cut vegetables, let alone to support my entire body weight on silks?
My body is reaching the point that I know it is telling me to change something. I know that the 40 hours per week of physically strenuous one-on-one patient care is not good for me. And yet, I am not in an emotional (or financial) place to change it. I love my job, despite the pain and physical and emotional stress. My boss is wonderful, my coworkers are a pleasure to be around, and the children I treat are amazing and adorable and inspirational and keep me going.
Still, I am frustrated. I am annoyed. I am angry at my body. Being optimistic has its down sides. It means I sometimes set my expectations higher than what my body can take. But to lose my optimism, lose my drive, give up on my goals and hopes and efforts, would be devastating both emotionally and, in turn, physically.
I just feel stuck. At this point, I am sticking with the diet containing no added/processed sugars. But I don't even trust my body to respond appropriately by reducing inflammation and losing weight. I don't trust my body to allow me to exercise in ways that will improve my strength and endurance. I don't trust my brain to maintain balanced emotions without enough exercise. And so, I am sitting on top of my wall, unsure of which side to go down.
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