Boom and Bust

I did it again. I wanted to enjoy a fun outing with my family. We went skiing for my first time in 15 years. I had just been under anesthesia two days before, and went two whole days without any food during that process, all in the name of more digestive testing for no answers. But this was the weekend that we were all available, so we did it anyway.

Wipe out!
I braced my ankles, my knees, my SI joint, my shoulder, my wrists, all the while singing “Head, shoulder, knees, and toes.” Oh right, a helmet! After having two concussions, with some visual difficulties as a result, I can’t risk any more. So I prepared myself, head, shoulders, knees, and toes, took a refresher lesson, and hit the slopes. 

It was a blast! I wiped out a few times, but I didn’t mind. BOOM. Falling isn’t all that scary to me, and what are a few more bruises? A bump on the ski lift brought about a headache and neck pain, but I relished that freedom of flying down the slope, and I did it again. I was dehydrated, my hands were throbbing, my knees could barely sustain the weight of the ski boots. BOOM! I went again. Yes, my love for flying got the best of me again.

I got home and crashed. My parents and brother witnessed a level of crash they hadn’t seen me in yet. My husband was used to it. But everyone else got to see me losing my ability to formulate clear sentences, sitting and shivering under a blanket, barely holding my eyes open, unable to walk down and back up my building's 4 flights of stairs to get our pizza delivery, unable to drive my brother to the bus stop. BUST.
When everyone left, I crashed even harder. I ran to the bathroom as all the gluten of the day hit. I sat on my shower floor, more interested in the water’s comfort than in actually getting clean. I climbed into bed, wrapped myself up in heating pads, closed my eyes, and fell right asleep. Definitely BUST.

I didn’t stay asleep for long. At various points, I woke up overheated or in pain. I had stress dreams about getting up in the morning and making it to work. When my alarm went off at 6 am, my eyes stayed heavy. But I knew I had to make moves, because I had a complex evaluation scheduled for 8 am. A little girl who lost her ability to move for herself and even breathe for herself, who was ready to come into my care. And I needed and wanted to be there to help her and her family.

My body ached. My POTS flared. All my patients but one showed up on my packed schedule. My husband stayed on the phone with me during my drive home, to keep me awake and alert to my environment. I got home and spent 35 minutes on the phone with my great aunt, as she imparted her wisdom to me on her 91st birthday. I ate a piecemeal dinner, refilled my meds for the week. A boom in the midst of a bust. And now I’m sitting on the shower floor again, unwinding my tightly bound brain, letting myself be, barely keeping my eyes open but needing the time to process. Absolute BUST.

Tomorrow brings about more children in my care, whose health and wellbeing I’ve been tasked with. The week ahead of me includes two very important doctors appointments. When my work week is so intense, I rely on weekends for both rest and emotional regrouping, both boom and bust. One cannot be without the other, and the balance just hasn’t found its way into my life yet.

I’m working on it. I want to enjoy my time with family and friends, and also go into work refreshed and energetic. I want to do it all. But I’m only human, and my particular challenges have me in this cycle, not quite achieving that balance.

For now though, the boom is worth the bust. Much of my motivation to put all the work in that is necessary to maintain my health comes from my love of being active. And so, while the cycle is not perfect, it’s my current reality. I’m not ready to choose between feeling physically well and feeling emotionally fulfilled.

So for now, the boom and bust stays.

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