Fog

The funny thing about blogging is that the days when I should have the most interesting, insightful things to say are the days that I just don't have the energy to write when I get home from work. 

I haven't posted in a little while because my brain has been pretty foggy. Like many others with chronic pain, I get foggy sometimes - this exhausted cloud that is there when I wake up, and stays with me throughout the day. My thoughts feel slower, my words seem to take longer to come out. On the outside, it's subtle enough that my patients don't really notice. But on the inside, I worry that I will say something incorrect, or not have an answer to a parent's question. As a new physical therapist, some element of nervousness seems to be pretty typical; however, when I'm in a fog it seems even scarier, because I just don't know if my brain will come up with a coherent response in a timely fashion. I love my job, and I truly become energized by working with kids. But when I'm in a fog, each patient's treatment session begins and ends with my own internal pep talk, some swigs of coffee, a deep breath. 

It's not unreasonable that I've been foggy. Coming right off the biggest American holiday week, all of my patients have been reacting differently to being back in school. (Reminder: I work in pediatrics. Kids are crazy.) From tantrums to falling asleep in the session to shorter attention spans to calmly but assertively refusing to participate, many of my patients' sessions have been pretty draining. On top of that, it's been raining here for about a week straight. Rain clouds certainly don't help the brain clouds. (Sorry, I had to.) I've also been pretty anxious of late, which translates into tossing and turning all night while expending extra energy during the day just to worry. 

The fog is hard to break once it makes an appearance. Caffeine helps minimally. Sleep is very important, but I find myself just as exhausted on my lazy weekends as I am during the week. Exercise can either help my mind and body to be more alert, or it can wipe me out more - I have yet to figure out how to tell beforehand which result will occur, though I gotta say, aerial does tend to leave me more energized. Probably because, in addition to being a phenomenal workout, it is a positive physical challenge that helps me strengthen without breaking my body down more - and I love it.  Today after work I had a successful aerial class that left me feeling physically strong and painful, and even more mentally alert, if only for a couple hours. I even got to try my new hand splint, and it was so helpful that my hand that had the experimental splint barely hurts 4 hours after the class ended. 

So I'm happy with tonight. But the fog is still there.

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