Finding Energy and Power

I decided a couple weeks ago to do an activity every day to strengthen my body. On days that I feel up for it, it can be attending a workout class; on days that I feel exhausted and/or in pain, it can be a 10-minute pilates video on Youtube. Over the Jewish holidays (which just ended for the season, allowing me to finally get back into a regular schedule), sometimes a walk had to suffice for my activity of the day.

My goal in this endeavor is to feel comfortable exercising as I learn how to listen to and trust my body again. These last few months have been very physically (and by extension, emotionally) challenging for me. I lost all the confidence in my body that I worked so hard to gain through aerial this past year, to the point that I sometimes lay awake at night wondering if my body can even handle aerial anymore. I can't decide which aches and pains can be safely pushed to the side and ignored for the sake of a workout, and which are indicative of an unstable joint begging for rest. I don't know if a workout will drain me of energy for the next 3 days, or if it will recharge my body, my heart, my soul. I'm not sure if my body is asking me for movement or rest. I try to eat healthily, but over all the holidays this past month, which pretty much revolve around food, all my "balance" in eating has been thrown to the side, as I joined community members and friends for meals that consisted of food made and chosen by others. To put it bluntly, I feel anxious, weak, fat, and in need of a serious change in how I approach my body.

Between time constraints, joint pain, and generally not feeling well, I've been pretty much avoiding some of the activities that help me feel like me - hiking and aerial.

So last Sunday, I braced up my most high-risk joints and joined my husband on a hike that involved a steep, uphill climb of 900 feet elevation over the course of the first 0.6 mile, with the reward of a stunning view at the top of the Pacific Ocean on one side, a pink and purple canyon on another side, and mountain peaks in the distance. By the time we came down (thankfully using regular switchbacks rather than returning straight down all the steep inclines), I felt the energy of exertion and the power of nature. 

This Sunday, I went to an aerial hammock class that spends the majority of the class focused on conditioning, with a couple skills at the end. It was exactly what I needed to remind my muscles how to activate properly for aerial and to remind my brain that I can do this. Yes, my ankle that's been giving me extra trouble the last few weeks is aching a bit more. And yes, I've been needing to modify my pushups, which I used to always be so proud of, but now I feel my shoulder trying to sublux when I do fully extended pushups and it is terrifying. But overall, my back feels a little better as I loosened the muscles and activated my core properly. My shoulders and triceps feel just sore enough to remind me I used them. My knees hurt the same amount as they did before, so that's okay. And once again, I feel the energy of activating my muscles and the power of believing in myself. 

Next Sunday, I will dance my booty off at the wedding of two of my closest friends. My floor-length bridesmaid gown will hide any leg braces, so I will be safe to forget my body for a few hours while I feel the energy of my friends' love and the power of friendship. 

And so, with my renewed energy, my healing journey begins again. 

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